it's just the monster in my head
by gacrux11
Summary: Kanda isn't used to seeing Allen break down like this. Kanda/Allen.


Kanda knows before he even opens his eyes.

Allen's been slipping in and out of the Fourteenth's consciousness more and more these days. Even as they hop hotels and skip towns day after day to shake the exorcists tracking them, it feels more like they're running from each encounter with Allen's lesser half. Every confrontation is worse than the last as the Fourteenth lingers in control of Allen's body longer and longer each time he gains control. He grew violent sometimes, but mostly he just enjoyed taunting Johnny and Kanda. More concerning was Allen's steeply declining faith in himself after each relapse.

Most times he silently accepts the fact that he failed. There are times that he bites his lip like a child scorned and pulls his knees up to his chest and just sits alone for a while. Sometimes he stays like that through the night and well into the next day, probably condemning his own uselessness and cursing the Fourteenth for being such a vile parasite.

Once or twice after the Fourteenth acted out violently, hurt someone innocent to all of this, he's cried, mostly into the palm of his hand and facing the wall because he can't keep the sobs in. 'He tries so hard,' Johnny once said, 'to keep us sheltered from his pain.' Kanda hadn't replied, didn't have one to offer, and instead left the room because he hates seeing people cry. He hates the sound, hates the sight, hates the weakness of it all. Mostly he hates the pressure that he feels, like he's supposed to do something to make it stop. Every time he comes back Allen's back to his usual self, if a little less chipper than before, but somehow Kanda still feels like he should be regretting something.

Sometimes, for the sake of Johnny, Allen puts up a tough front and laughs it off. He lets it roll off his shoulders like it didn't crush him from the inside out to realize he couldn't stop the Fourteenth; like it didn't ruin him completely. Johnny always tries his best to ignore Allen's inner turmoil, ironically enough, for the sake of Allen himself. Kanda isn't so lucky because after all his dealings with Allen's bullshit he can see right through the flimsy defence. And all he sees there is roiling unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It irks him in strange ways, like he should actually care about the brat's comfort.

He hates when Allen pretends to be tough because he's _not; _not anymore. Now, when he needs to let people in the most, he adamantly refuses. Not that he ever did before, but he was willing enough to let Lavi, Lenalee, Krory, and Miranda, and Komui all aid him as teammates. Now he refuses to let them do even that much. It makes Kanda furious. Sometimes he thinks he would like to just throttle the moyashi, and knock some sense into that stupid head of his. He never does, though, because the kid is fragile. He never used to be, but these days Kanda feels like one wrong move could wreck the last of his timeworn spirit. No matter how many times they fought out of habit, something always felt off. Like Allen just put on a show for the sake of easing their minds, using Kanda as a prop for the sake of faking normality. It makes him feel like a puppet, a title he's worked so hard to remove himself from since his departure from the Order. As an experiment that's really all he was; a toy, a plaything, a puppet to be strung up and used however the puppeteer saw fit. He really, really hates being used like that and he makes sure Allen knows it. It never stops him from doing it again anyway, trying however he can to grasp at the frayed strands of normality he no longer has possession of.

So here they are, staying in a particularly dingy motel with cracks in the walls and shutters that don't actually shut. There's no hot water, and the cold water is glacial. A select few gas-lit lamps actually work so the room is mostly illuminated by candles scattered about the small space. Of those candles, about three light properly. The others are either too dim to be bothered with or simply couldn't be lit at all. Luckily they did manage to secure a room with two beds, one of which Johnny slept on and the other Allen claimed. Kanda, in the meanwhile, took the armchair and that was it. Travelling took a lot out of a person and they've been moving nonstop to avoid the Order detecting them and, more importantly, to throw Apocryphos off.

But somethings wrong.

He glances over Allen's bed and, typically, he's not there. He's quick to his feet with Mugen in hand – not that it ever left – and he swings around. He's standing just behind the chair Kanda was asleep on, observing the scene vacantly.

"Fourteenth." Kanda unsheathes Mugen, and draws it out with sure intent. The Fourteenth looks amused, maybe that's his default expression, and it bothers him.

"Kanda." The name is drawn out from Allen's lips and it sounds like there's something attached to it. A note of amusement, maybe, or strings of muted dislike. Well, good. Kanda doesn't like him much either.

"You seem to come out at night the most. Ashamed to do what you do in broad daylight, huh?" It's a bit of a standoff, if a little one-sided. Mugen gleams menacingly even in the dim light, but the Fourteenth doesn't even blink at it. He behaves like it's not even there, like it's not even worth noting in the scheme of things. He does, however, observe the dingy motel room with a touch of disdain. Kanda frowns.

"That's because when Allen dreams, he dreams of my past life. So I'm free to control him however I please. And it's to the contrary, Kanda, I don't care for what I do because it's all entertainment to me." The Fourteenth smiles widely, and the expression doesn't sit well in the back of Kanda's mind. "He's so very close to just giving up, you know. Won't be long until there's nothing left of him in this husk of old memories."

"He won't surrender to you." Kanda replies simply.

"Oh? That's a bold statement, coming from someone who isn't calling his headspace a home these days." The Fourteenth looks amused, although perhaps curious. He approaches Kanda unhurriedly, each step slower than the last. "Tell me then, since you know the idiot so well, why won't he surrender to me? Why won't he give up after I've shredded every last one of his hopes?"

"He won't give up," Kanda feels his knees hit the back of the bed and he halts. He hadn't even realized he was backing away. "He can not give up. Not when he's got people supporting him."

The Fourteenth laughs and wipes imaginary tears out from under his eyes. He says, "Allen has gotten far too insecure to depend on the petty hopes of his teammates." And something about that sounds frightfully honest.

"I think you underestimate the idiot." Kanda retorts, drudging to memory every encounter with the younger boy's annoying determination. Meanwhile the Fourteenth has walked right up to the tip of his sword, quirking and eyebrow at him mockingly, completely ignoring his words.

"Really, Kanda." He slides the blade between his fingers and looks at him pointedly. "You won't use this, not against Allen, so why is it still here?" He tweaks the blade and it clatters to the ground. Kanda isn't sure whether he let it slip or it was wrenched from his grasp, but the questionable strength becomes irrelevant as the Fourteenth wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him down.

"The hell-"

His nose grazes Kanda's cheek and his mouth stops just beside his ear, "Allen is so much weaker than he thinks." The hands on Kanda's neck migrate to his arms, "and so," he can feel the smile against the shell of his ear, taunting him, "are _you_." The last word is snarled through clenched teeth, and sounds strange coming out of Allen's mouth. He's snapped out of his thoughts when the hands on his arms cinch around his biceps, fingernails digging into his coat and surely leaving bruises in their wake.

He twists himself away with a quick tug, reversing their positions so that the Fourteenth is the one cornered by the bed.

"He wants things so bad, and yet somehow he's convinced himself he's in control of his desires. He's deluded himself into thinking he doesn't want them at all. But he wants,Kanda, he really does _want_." He's simpering now, using a mockery of Allen's regular voice. His eyes are cold. "He longs to give himself to someone completely, see. To be willing to throw everything he's worked for away and be given the same in return. He just wants to feel someone love him." Kanda can only listen, stunned, and try to decipher the truths in the Fourteenth's impromptu speech.

"You all know so very little about him it's actually a wonder you call each other friends." He sighs and moves into Kanda's personal space again. "If you saw what I saw in him, you wouldn't have anything to do with him."

"In fact, he's sickening." The Fourteenth's expression mutates into something capricious, something violent. "Pathetic, weak, and unable to admit that he would take anyone – even you – and allow them to kill him if it meant being 'loved'. He's pathetic and lonely. He's not worth anyone's time, not even yours."

"None of that even matters to me." Kanda snaps, annoyed that the Fourteenth could mistake him for someone that cared what Allen did in his spare time. That's Lenalee and Lavi's full time occupation; that's what Johnny resigned from the Order for; that was once even Cross Marion's duty as his guardian. That isn't, however, one of Yu Kanda's concerns.

"Is that so?" The Fourteenth smirks vaguely, shaking his head. "You certainly had me fooled, coming back from your freedom all for the sake of the idiot who nearly killed himself for you."

"You-"

"But alas, we're out of time for now." He's cut off and suddenly the same blank expression he's seen a hundred times before mists Allen's eyes. He almost wants to summon the Noah back so he can punch him square in the jaw for implying he cared about his idiot host, but at the same time he really rather wouldn't. Instead he watches Allen come back to his senses and crumple to the floor, eyes wide and dismayed. He's upset about something, and shocked into silence.

"Moyashi?" Allen doesn't bat an eyelash at the nickname. He doesn't even react. Kanda quirks an eyebrow and moves to snap his fingers beside Allen's ear, trying to force him out of his reverie.

It works, to an extent. Well, he's got the kid's attention anyway. Not that he wants it anymore, because Allen's grey eyes are blown wide with some kind of blind hysteria. It's a look he hasn't seen on his face before, and it's one he really didn't want to see in the first place. Yet, despite looking completely distraught, Allen hardly breathes. In fact, now that it comes to mind, Kanda's not sure if he's breathing at all.

"You can start breathing again any time now." He mutters, frowning. Are people supposed to stop breathing at random after a Noah takes over their body? Kanda tends to believe they shouldn't. Then again, Kanda thinks, the moyashi's always been annoyingly unlike any other person he knows. Even that stupid bookman-in-training couldn't be compared to Allen in that sense.

"Seriously, moyashi, breathe." Kanda bites out, squatting down and giving his shoulders a light shake. He's not sure if he should just crack the back of the kid's head for good measure or let him sort his shit out on his own, but if he continues like he is Kanda's pretty sure he'll pass out. Johnny would certainly be upset if Kanda did nothing about it, so he grits his teeth and tries again.

"What the fuck is even wrong with you? Still asleep or something?" Of course he's not, because Allen's eyes are still wide open but glossed over and empty, like maybe the lights are on but Allen sure as hell isn't home.

Kanda promptly loses his patience and snaps, "Breathe, goddammit!"

Finally, Allen does. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and Kanda feels vaguely accomplished. At least he's not being completely ignored anymore. He moves to stand up again but Allen has his knee in a vice grip that actually kind of hurts. He frowns, makes to say something, but Allen acts first.

He slowly leans forward, rests his head on Kanda's shoulder in an uncharacteristic display of fragility, and whispers, "He's letting me be in control."

"What the fuck, moyashi, get off." Kanda's so caught up in trying-but-not-trying to get the younger boy off of him he almost doesn't hear the words. "Wait, what did you just say?"

"Toward the very end, I was awake. I could see you." He whispers, leaning back and curling in on himself, still uncomfortably close to Kanda. "H-He... he was still in control but I was awake. I couldn't take back control. He's allowing me to be in control. He could take my body back any time he wants, he's only letting me-!" Kanda slapped a palm over Allen's mouth, silencing him because he was very quickly working himself into a frenzy.

"Don't wake him up." He snaps quietly, motioning toward Johnny. "I don't wanna explain all this shit to him." The reminder seems to break Allen out of his panicked fever, but it only gets him so far. He starts to shudder against him, breathing unevenly.

"He could take back control any time he wanted." Although Allen's voice has lowered, the horror in his tone has only escalated. "This is-this is all his choice. I was never in control of my own will, and he's just letting me do whatever I want until he gets bored!"

"Keep your voice down, idiot." Kanda doesn't have even the tiniest inkling about what to do in a situation like this, and Allen's breathing has gone from uneven hiccups to gasps he chokes on and swallows back down before they even leave his throat. He's going to hyperventilate, Kanda's sure of it.

"He's probably watching, just waiting for the right moment to drive me out. He's waiting for the moment it'll hurt me the most, just so he can say he won that way, too." Allen trembles pathetically, uncontrollably, and Kanda's hands hover in midair because he doesn't know what to do. "He's going to hurt other people, too. He's just waiting... he's going to wait until he can hurt _everyone _I've ever cared about! Lenalee, Lavi, Komui, Johnny, Reever, Miranda, Krory – _everyone!_" His quivering doesn't calm down, his breathing grows more and more unsteady. Kanda sighs heavily into the palm of his hand, grimacing. This is really not how he wanted to be spending the night.

"If you have a panic attack I will fucking kill you." He growls, watching Allen crumble to pieces right in front of him, practically in top of him. If ever there were a time he wished he wasn't so unversed in the art of comforting a person, this would be that time. With a grumbled complaint he begins to rub Allen's arms, something Daisya used to do when they were younger if it became necessary (not that it ever did), something he never thought would be useful beyond mocking his affections.

Allen's trembling stops but he's still far from alright. He moves away from Kanda, swallowing carefully and trying to collect himself. Kanda in turn retreats to his armchair, wondering it would be less trouble to just pretend nothing had ever occurred.

Allen is the first to break the silence.

"Kanda, I'm sor-"

"Shut up. Go to sleep." He's too tired to deal with bullshit apologies that don't even need to be said, so he cuts Allen off.

"But-" At least Allen's got the energy to get angry at him, that's always a good sign. He cuts him off again anyway.

"I said shut it, moyashi. I don't feel like dealing with you right now." He mutters the rejoinder into his palm, trying not to look as dead-tired as he felt. There's just something about surprise encounters with the Fourteenth that drain him.

"It's _Allen, _Ba-Kanda!" Allen whisper-yells at him while he crawls back into his own bed, looking both furious and relieved at the same time. Kanda doesn't ponder what that means, as he's too damned tired to care, and he figures the whole incident will have been forgotten by the time morning arrives anyway.

When morning does come, the incident is not forgotten. Kanda shoves it to the back of his mind because he doesn't like being caught caring about people, but it creeps to the forefront of his mind when he's not careful about it. He's pretty sure he sees Allen side-eye him throughout the day more times than necessary, and he says something scathing about it when he catches him, but Allen doesn't take the bait like he usually would. He doesn't really do anything at all. It's almost as if the insult doesn't even register.

And perhaps that's Kanda's first sign that something isn't quite right anymore. Something has changed but he can't figure out what.

* * *

A/N: I had the sudden urge to write some Kanda/Allen angst after listening to Monster by Mikky Ekko on repeat for hours.


End file.
